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Safe dating for teens
While abusive and stalking behaviors in romantic relationships are often thought to be adult issues, they can occur in teenage relationships, as well. A little bit of knowledge and awareness can help parents and their teens avoid such relationships, and help them to recognize when they need to quickly get untangled from a relationship that might be turning sour.
I know many parents who fear their teens will resent them for getting involved, but my advice is not to shy away from talking to your kids about potentially bad situations. Taking action now might save your teenager months or even years of heartbreak, abuse or worse.
So my advice is to first learn to recognize the warning signs that signal a potentially unhealthy relationship — one that may include violent and/or stalking behaviors. Since a relationship can become unsafe rather quickly, it is important for both teens — and adults involved in their lives — to take action when you see the following red flags in your teen’s relationship, or in your own. While it may be obvious, it’s worthwhile to mention that both boys and girls can exhibit such unhealthy dating behaviors.
Things to watch out for
Your teen’s dating partner is controlling, and often wants to know every detail about how your teen is spending her time and whom she is with.
One partner insists on spending large amounts of time with his date during and outside of school.
The individual exhibits extreme jealousy of a partner's involvement with friends of both genders, and may try to force an end to those relationships. If your teen begins to break off long-term friendships without good reason, find out why.
A partner has outbursts or displays anger that is disproportionate to a triggering incident. Of particular concern is any outburst that follows your teen's attempt to set boundaries, maintain distance, or break off the relationship.
The dating partner attempts to manipulate your child emotionally; an example is by threatening suicide or another drastic action when your teen tries to set boundaries or break up.
The dating partner is following your teen or spying on her, or often shows up in places where they don’t belong.
As the parent, you are getting far too many phone calls from the dating partner asking where your teen is or why he is not answering his cell phone. You may also notice that your teen avoids calls from the person or appears scared when they call or show up.
You notice "mood swings" in the relationship: periods of unhappiness followed by periods of intense "making up,” which may even involve excessive gift giving. In other words, you’ll notice abusive behaviors followed by "honeymoon" phases.
You or your teen have a "gut" feeling that something is not quite right with the boyfriend or girlfriend. Although I don't think major life decisions should be based solely upon gut instincts, I do believe they should be acknowledged and respected.
Whether you see any of these warning signs — or want to help your teen develop stronger relationships, consider taking some of the following actions to ensure the happiness and safety of your family.
Talk with your teen regularly about healthy and respectful relationships and appropriate dating behavior. Discuss concrete ways your teen can handle disrespect in dating situations, such as simply learning to say, “No.” Role play if necessary to show your teen how to hold his ground.
Teach your teen how to set boundaries with her partner. The teen needs to be able to clearly state that the behavior is a problem and then assertively say that the behavior must stop immediately. Assertive communication is an important skill to develop, and will serve your teen for the rest of her life.
Assertiveness skills may not be enough when a relationship has become dangerous or if the dating partner has pushed boundaries or reacted poorly to assertiveness in the past. If stalking, threatening or abusive behaviors are already occurring, or you fear they might soon occur, alert school officials and local law enforcement.
Create a "safety plan" with your teen for times when he or she may feel vulnerable. This might include having a friend call for help when your teen gives them an agreed-upon signal, and having emergency numbers programmed into both teens’ cell phones. Your teen's trusted friends should be aware of the plan and the importance of upholding the plan.
In addition, impress on your teen that there is safety in numbers, and he or she should stick with friends as much as possible.
The best approach, of course, is to prevent abusive relationships. Once someone finds themselves in an abusive situation, the effects can be far-reaching and can negatively impact self-esteem, mental health and choices in relationships for a very long time. If you or someone you know has been a victim of abuse — whether physical, sexual or verbal — or stalking in a relationship, professional assistance can be helpful.
And here’s my best advice for teens — if are worried about your date’s behavior and feel that he or she is controlling or abusing you, tell a trusted adult. Reach out to a parent, a friend’s parent, a teacher, mentor, your coach, or a counselor — right away. You’ll be glad you did!
Alyce Duckworth is a licensed clinical social worker and principal at the Prince Street Academy, the day school treatment program at Arapahoe/Douglas Mental Health Network. She can be reached at aduckwo@admhn.org. For more information about mental health matters, services at Arapahoe/Douglas Mental Health Network, and to read other articles Alyce has written, visit admhn.org.
I know many parents who fear their teens will resent them for getting involved, but my advice is not to shy away from talking to your kids about potentially bad situations. Taking action now might save your teenager months or even years of heartbreak, abuse or worse.
So my advice is to first learn to recognize the warning signs that signal a potentially unhealthy relationship — one that may include violent and/or stalking behaviors. Since a relationship can become unsafe rather quickly, it is important for both teens — and adults involved in their lives — to take action when you see the following red flags in your teen’s relationship, or in your own. While it may be obvious, it’s worthwhile to mention that both boys and girls can exhibit such unhealthy dating behaviors.
Things to watch out for
Your teen’s dating partner is controlling, and often wants to know every detail about how your teen is spending her time and whom she is with.
One partner insists on spending large amounts of time with his date during and outside of school.
The individual exhibits extreme jealousy of a partner's involvement with friends of both genders, and may try to force an end to those relationships. If your teen begins to break off long-term friendships without good reason, find out why.
A partner has outbursts or displays anger that is disproportionate to a triggering incident. Of particular concern is any outburst that follows your teen's attempt to set boundaries, maintain distance, or break off the relationship.
The dating partner attempts to manipulate your child emotionally; an example is by threatening suicide or another drastic action when your teen tries to set boundaries or break up.
The dating partner is following your teen or spying on her, or often shows up in places where they don’t belong.
As the parent, you are getting far too many phone calls from the dating partner asking where your teen is or why he is not answering his cell phone. You may also notice that your teen avoids calls from the person or appears scared when they call or show up.
You notice "mood swings" in the relationship: periods of unhappiness followed by periods of intense "making up,” which may even involve excessive gift giving. In other words, you’ll notice abusive behaviors followed by "honeymoon" phases.
You or your teen have a "gut" feeling that something is not quite right with the boyfriend or girlfriend. Although I don't think major life decisions should be based solely upon gut instincts, I do believe they should be acknowledged and respected.
Whether you see any of these warning signs — or want to help your teen develop stronger relationships, consider taking some of the following actions to ensure the happiness and safety of your family.
Talk with your teen regularly about healthy and respectful relationships and appropriate dating behavior. Discuss concrete ways your teen can handle disrespect in dating situations, such as simply learning to say, “No.” Role play if necessary to show your teen how to hold his ground.
Teach your teen how to set boundaries with her partner. The teen needs to be able to clearly state that the behavior is a problem and then assertively say that the behavior must stop immediately. Assertive communication is an important skill to develop, and will serve your teen for the rest of her life.
Assertiveness skills may not be enough when a relationship has become dangerous or if the dating partner has pushed boundaries or reacted poorly to assertiveness in the past. If stalking, threatening or abusive behaviors are already occurring, or you fear they might soon occur, alert school officials and local law enforcement.
Create a "safety plan" with your teen for times when he or she may feel vulnerable. This might include having a friend call for help when your teen gives them an agreed-upon signal, and having emergency numbers programmed into both teens’ cell phones. Your teen's trusted friends should be aware of the plan and the importance of upholding the plan.
In addition, impress on your teen that there is safety in numbers, and he or she should stick with friends as much as possible.
The best approach, of course, is to prevent abusive relationships. Once someone finds themselves in an abusive situation, the effects can be far-reaching and can negatively impact self-esteem, mental health and choices in relationships for a very long time. If you or someone you know has been a victim of abuse — whether physical, sexual or verbal — or stalking in a relationship, professional assistance can be helpful.
And here’s my best advice for teens — if are worried about your date’s behavior and feel that he or she is controlling or abusing you, tell a trusted adult. Reach out to a parent, a friend’s parent, a teacher, mentor, your coach, or a counselor — right away. You’ll be glad you did!
Alyce Duckworth is a licensed clinical social worker and principal at the Prince Street Academy, the day school treatment program at Arapahoe/Douglas Mental Health Network. She can be reached at aduckwo@admhn.org. For more information about mental health matters, services at Arapahoe/Douglas Mental Health Network, and to read other articles Alyce has written, visit admhn.org.
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