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Life with an abuser
Teller County women tells her story
By Norma Engelberg
The following is a true story about how one Teller County woman became involved with domestic violence:
Names have been changed to protect the woman’s children.
“The relationship started out pretty good,” Julie said. “He was nice to me and the kids.”
In 1995 Julie was living in an apartment with her children. Another apartment was rented by a pair of brothers and a friend. Julie started dating one of the brothers, Joe, and eventually they moved in together.
“I don’t think I saw anything that might have given me a hint of how things would turn out,” she said. “After a while, though, he started calling me names and shouting at me. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, not even to the grocery store, without him. If I was allowed to go somewhere, he gave me a time limit. If I was late, he yelled at me.”
Things went downhill from there. Julie was isolated from family members and friends. Joe wouldn’t allow her to see anyone. The situation escalated from yelling and isolation to physical violence.
One of the earliest violent acts she recalls was over food.
“He asked me to cook him some eggs and I did,” she said. “He said ‘what is this ----?’ Then he threw the plate at me.”
Another time, while a friend was visiting, Joe slammed Julie’s head against a door frame.
“The friend saw it but the kids didn’t,” Julie said. “Later, when Joe cooled down we went on a hike. That was when he showed me where he was going to bury me. He used to tell the kids that if I didn’t straighten up he was going to kill me.”
Joe didn’t work. He would get jobs but couldn’t keep them.
“He was a drinker and his drinking usually got him fired,” she said. “He wouldn’t allow me to work even though I had plenty of offers. He always thought I would be out screwing around.”
The loss of jobs got them thrown out of their apartment. They moved into a house when he got another job and the brother and roommate moved in with them.
“One night in April of ’96 things had been going fine and we were having a nice dinner,” Julie said. “We had a couple of beers, then he got up and went to the bathroom. He called me in there and I went in because I thought he was sick. Then he yelled at me to get out. When I left he yelled at me to get back in there. I went back in and sat on the toilet. He was sitting on the floor. He grabbed me and started slamming my head against the edge of the tub. He swore at me and punched me.”
When the roommate heard what was going on, he sent the children to their room and stood guard at their door. When Joe came out of the bathroom he started beating up the roommate.
“I went into the kids’ room and was trying to get the window open so I could send them to a neighbor’s house to get help,” Julie said. “Joe followed me and told me he was going to kill the roommate.”
With Joe distracted, the roommate was able to go to the neighbor’s house and call the police.
“When the police came I lied to them and told them I hit him first,” Julie said. “They took him to the police station but because I lied, they didn’t keep him. His brother picked him up.”
The roommate came back and told Julie she should get out and helped her pack.
“I went to my mom’s house,” she said. “Joe called and apologized. I went back to him and lived with him another 10 months.”
It wasn’t easy for her to live with Joe, but she was frightened not to. When she moved back, she left the children with her mother.
“I was terrified to stay and I was terrified to leave,” she said. “The violence continued off and on but it was never got as bad as it was that night. A neighbor helped protect me when he could.”
By this time, Julie hadn’t been able to talk to her friends for a couple of years but she finally reached a friend who came and got her.
“I don’t know how, but Joe found me,” she said. “‘I’ll kill your family if you don’t come back with me,’ he said, so I went back again.”
She was able to make a final break when another friend, Jimmy, called her.
“He had been watching for a while until he knew Joe’s pattern,” Julie said. “He came and got me. I was terrified but I never went back. Joe had shown me where he was going to bury me and he had threatened my kids and my family.”
Jimmy helped her find a house. He gave her a gun and taught her to use it. Julie never went anywhere alone because she knew Joe was still around.
“It was hard having to have a babysitter 24/7,” Julie said. “It was scary. My kids still lived with my mother but now I could be closer to them. They knew what had happened and they kept begging me not to go back to him. They blamed themselves.”
Joe continued to show up now and again for several months after Julie escaped. When he came to her workplace, she asked security to escort him off the property. Security then escorted her in and out of work every day for the next two months.
“One day he showed up at my home,” Julie said. “He didn’t see me and I watched him start up the front stairs. I confronted him with my gun and told him not to take another step. He said I wouldn’t use the gun and I told him to try me. He left and I haven’t seen him since.”
It’s been eight years since Julie last saw Joe. She and her children have put their lives back together.
“We didn’t have counseling,” she said. “It’s sometimes been difficult but we’ve worked things out on our own.”
Joe never served a minute in jail for the way he treated Julie and she might not have been his only victim.
“His brother told me about an earlier girlfriend in Texas,” Julie said. “He said Joe treated her the same way he treated me but Joe told me he treated her like gold because she always did exactly what he told her to do.”
This story has much in common with other women’s experiences with domestic or partner violence — name calling and belittling, the isolation, the cycle of explosive violent anger followed by apologies that often escalates to the point where there is only violence and no apologies, threats and, in many cases, stalking when the victim makes her escape. As in this case, many times alcohol or other drug use is involved.
“Its an issue of power and control,” said Jan McKamy, director of the Teller County Victim Assistance Program. “Batterers use these techniques because they’re effective.”
There are many reasons women stay in these situations — fear, nowhere to go, a tendency to blame themselves, loss of self-worth, no economic support, a hope that he will change, McKamy said.
She said battering is a learned behavior. Children who grow up in battering homes are more likely to become batterers themselves or victims of battering.
“These are the role models they’re growing up with and they come to think this kind of behavior is normal,” she said. “The cycle will continue until we do something to stop it.”
For information about stopping domestic violence, either as a victim or as a friend or family member of a victim, call the Teller County Victim Assistance Program victim advocate at Woodland Park Police dispatch, 719-687-9262. All communications with victim advocates are confidential.
A 24-hour crisis line, 719-633-3819, also is available through TESSA, an organization that serves victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, which has an office in Cripple Creek’s Aspen Mine Center, 719-689-3584, ext. 118.
What is domestic or partner violence?
The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.”
Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological and include any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure or wound.
Domestic violence is no respecter of race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to anyone.
Teen, elderly violence
Despite increased efforts nationwide to make people more aware of domestic abuse, Jan McKamy, director of the Teller County Victim Assistance Program, said she is seeing an increase in violence among teens and the elderly.
“Young girls think their boyfriends are so possessive because ‘he loves me,’” she said. “Instead of thinking its because ‘he wants total control of me.’”
In the case of the elder abuse, there could be a number of causes, including these from the National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life:
An illness or brain disorder such as Alzheimer’s or stroke
The relationship might have always been controlling but has turned violent in later years
A previously abused spouse turns the tables once the abuser has become frail and is no longer a physical threat
Elder abuse takes different forms, often depending on gender. Abusive men often use physical and sexual violence against their victims, while abusive women are more likely to use neglect as a weapon
Emotional impact of domestic violence
It affects not only the abuser and the abused, but anyone connected to them, including family members, co-workers, other witnesses and the community.
Children are especially vulnerable when forced to grow up in an abusive household.
They suffer from physical and social problems
They may become depressed or have other emotional or mental issues
They could become habituated to violence and grow up to perpetuate the cycle
Information was taken from the U.S. Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women Web site.
Domestic violence impacts economy
Using data gathered by the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration and the U.S. Department of Justice, the Workplace Violence Institute gives the following estimates of the annual impact of domestic violence on the economy:
It costs American employers a total of about $35 billion in lost production, absenteeism, increased security and health care
The average cost to individual employers is $3 million to $5 million
About 20,000 U.S. employees are attacked in the workplace by a partner or spouse
About 7,000 employees are killed in the No. 1 cause of workplace death among women
One in five workdays missed by women is related to domestic violence
Batterers also lose work days because of arrests, incarceration and court appearances
Federal law requires employers to protect their employees while in the workplace and failure to protect employees from workplace violence is the top reason employers are sued
More than 94 percent of corporate security officers ranked domestic violence as a high security problem in their companies and 49 percent of corporate leaders said domestic violence had a harmful effect on worker productivity
International impacts
In every country with reliable reporting processes, 10 percent to 69 percent of women report being physically abused during their lifetimes. Depending on the country, anywhere from 18-68 percent of abused women never tell anyone about the abuse
In Asia, 60 million girls are “missing” because of infanticide, prenatal sex selection and neglect. In some parts of India the government has started paying families to raise their daughters because of an increasing gender imbalance
More than 2 million women and young girls suffer from genital mutilation each year
Violence against women also takes the forms of child marriage, honor killings, acid burning, dowry-related violence, widow evictions, widow inheritance (forcing the widow to marry one of her husband’s relatives) and ritual cleansing, a process in which a widow is forced to have unprotected sex with a stranger hired to rid her of “evil spirits”
More than 800,000 people, most of them female, are victims of sex trafficking — taken across national borders against their wills for sexual purposes. This number does not include the substantial numbers of women and girls sold into sexual slavery within their own countries
Information was taken from “State of World Population 2005” published by the United Nations Population Fund.
Names have been changed to protect the woman’s children.
“The relationship started out pretty good,” Julie said. “He was nice to me and the kids.”
In 1995 Julie was living in an apartment with her children. Another apartment was rented by a pair of brothers and a friend. Julie started dating one of the brothers, Joe, and eventually they moved in together.
“I don’t think I saw anything that might have given me a hint of how things would turn out,” she said. “After a while, though, he started calling me names and shouting at me. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, not even to the grocery store, without him. If I was allowed to go somewhere, he gave me a time limit. If I was late, he yelled at me.”
Things went downhill from there. Julie was isolated from family members and friends. Joe wouldn’t allow her to see anyone. The situation escalated from yelling and isolation to physical violence.
One of the earliest violent acts she recalls was over food.
“He asked me to cook him some eggs and I did,” she said. “He said ‘what is this ----?’ Then he threw the plate at me.”
Another time, while a friend was visiting, Joe slammed Julie’s head against a door frame.
“The friend saw it but the kids didn’t,” Julie said. “Later, when Joe cooled down we went on a hike. That was when he showed me where he was going to bury me. He used to tell the kids that if I didn’t straighten up he was going to kill me.”
Joe didn’t work. He would get jobs but couldn’t keep them.
“He was a drinker and his drinking usually got him fired,” she said. “He wouldn’t allow me to work even though I had plenty of offers. He always thought I would be out screwing around.”
The loss of jobs got them thrown out of their apartment. They moved into a house when he got another job and the brother and roommate moved in with them.
“One night in April of ’96 things had been going fine and we were having a nice dinner,” Julie said. “We had a couple of beers, then he got up and went to the bathroom. He called me in there and I went in because I thought he was sick. Then he yelled at me to get out. When I left he yelled at me to get back in there. I went back in and sat on the toilet. He was sitting on the floor. He grabbed me and started slamming my head against the edge of the tub. He swore at me and punched me.”
When the roommate heard what was going on, he sent the children to their room and stood guard at their door. When Joe came out of the bathroom he started beating up the roommate.
“I went into the kids’ room and was trying to get the window open so I could send them to a neighbor’s house to get help,” Julie said. “Joe followed me and told me he was going to kill the roommate.”
With Joe distracted, the roommate was able to go to the neighbor’s house and call the police.
“When the police came I lied to them and told them I hit him first,” Julie said. “They took him to the police station but because I lied, they didn’t keep him. His brother picked him up.”
The roommate came back and told Julie she should get out and helped her pack.
“I went to my mom’s house,” she said. “Joe called and apologized. I went back to him and lived with him another 10 months.”
It wasn’t easy for her to live with Joe, but she was frightened not to. When she moved back, she left the children with her mother.
“I was terrified to stay and I was terrified to leave,” she said. “The violence continued off and on but it was never got as bad as it was that night. A neighbor helped protect me when he could.”
By this time, Julie hadn’t been able to talk to her friends for a couple of years but she finally reached a friend who came and got her.
“I don’t know how, but Joe found me,” she said. “‘I’ll kill your family if you don’t come back with me,’ he said, so I went back again.”
She was able to make a final break when another friend, Jimmy, called her.
“He had been watching for a while until he knew Joe’s pattern,” Julie said. “He came and got me. I was terrified but I never went back. Joe had shown me where he was going to bury me and he had threatened my kids and my family.”
Jimmy helped her find a house. He gave her a gun and taught her to use it. Julie never went anywhere alone because she knew Joe was still around.
“It was hard having to have a babysitter 24/7,” Julie said. “It was scary. My kids still lived with my mother but now I could be closer to them. They knew what had happened and they kept begging me not to go back to him. They blamed themselves.”
Joe continued to show up now and again for several months after Julie escaped. When he came to her workplace, she asked security to escort him off the property. Security then escorted her in and out of work every day for the next two months.
“One day he showed up at my home,” Julie said. “He didn’t see me and I watched him start up the front stairs. I confronted him with my gun and told him not to take another step. He said I wouldn’t use the gun and I told him to try me. He left and I haven’t seen him since.”
It’s been eight years since Julie last saw Joe. She and her children have put their lives back together.
“We didn’t have counseling,” she said. “It’s sometimes been difficult but we’ve worked things out on our own.”
Joe never served a minute in jail for the way he treated Julie and she might not have been his only victim.
“His brother told me about an earlier girlfriend in Texas,” Julie said. “He said Joe treated her the same way he treated me but Joe told me he treated her like gold because she always did exactly what he told her to do.”
This story has much in common with other women’s experiences with domestic or partner violence — name calling and belittling, the isolation, the cycle of explosive violent anger followed by apologies that often escalates to the point where there is only violence and no apologies, threats and, in many cases, stalking when the victim makes her escape. As in this case, many times alcohol or other drug use is involved.
“Its an issue of power and control,” said Jan McKamy, director of the Teller County Victim Assistance Program. “Batterers use these techniques because they’re effective.”
There are many reasons women stay in these situations — fear, nowhere to go, a tendency to blame themselves, loss of self-worth, no economic support, a hope that he will change, McKamy said.
She said battering is a learned behavior. Children who grow up in battering homes are more likely to become batterers themselves or victims of battering.
“These are the role models they’re growing up with and they come to think this kind of behavior is normal,” she said. “The cycle will continue until we do something to stop it.”
For information about stopping domestic violence, either as a victim or as a friend or family member of a victim, call the Teller County Victim Assistance Program victim advocate at Woodland Park Police dispatch, 719-687-9262. All communications with victim advocates are confidential.
A 24-hour crisis line, 719-633-3819, also is available through TESSA, an organization that serves victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, which has an office in Cripple Creek’s Aspen Mine Center, 719-689-3584, ext. 118.
What is domestic or partner violence?
The U.S. Department of Justice defines domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.”
Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological and include any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure or wound.
Domestic violence is no respecter of race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to anyone.
Teen, elderly violence
Despite increased efforts nationwide to make people more aware of domestic abuse, Jan McKamy, director of the Teller County Victim Assistance Program, said she is seeing an increase in violence among teens and the elderly.
“Young girls think their boyfriends are so possessive because ‘he loves me,’” she said. “Instead of thinking its because ‘he wants total control of me.’”
In the case of the elder abuse, there could be a number of causes, including these from the National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life:
An illness or brain disorder such as Alzheimer’s or stroke
The relationship might have always been controlling but has turned violent in later years
A previously abused spouse turns the tables once the abuser has become frail and is no longer a physical threat
Elder abuse takes different forms, often depending on gender. Abusive men often use physical and sexual violence against their victims, while abusive women are more likely to use neglect as a weapon
Emotional impact of domestic violence
It affects not only the abuser and the abused, but anyone connected to them, including family members, co-workers, other witnesses and the community.
Children are especially vulnerable when forced to grow up in an abusive household.
They suffer from physical and social problems
They may become depressed or have other emotional or mental issues
They could become habituated to violence and grow up to perpetuate the cycle
Information was taken from the U.S. Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women Web site.
Domestic violence impacts economy
Using data gathered by the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration and the U.S. Department of Justice, the Workplace Violence Institute gives the following estimates of the annual impact of domestic violence on the economy:
It costs American employers a total of about $35 billion in lost production, absenteeism, increased security and health care
The average cost to individual employers is $3 million to $5 million
About 20,000 U.S. employees are attacked in the workplace by a partner or spouse
About 7,000 employees are killed in the No. 1 cause of workplace death among women
One in five workdays missed by women is related to domestic violence
Batterers also lose work days because of arrests, incarceration and court appearances
Federal law requires employers to protect their employees while in the workplace and failure to protect employees from workplace violence is the top reason employers are sued
More than 94 percent of corporate security officers ranked domestic violence as a high security problem in their companies and 49 percent of corporate leaders said domestic violence had a harmful effect on worker productivity
International impacts
In every country with reliable reporting processes, 10 percent to 69 percent of women report being physically abused during their lifetimes. Depending on the country, anywhere from 18-68 percent of abused women never tell anyone about the abuse
In Asia, 60 million girls are “missing” because of infanticide, prenatal sex selection and neglect. In some parts of India the government has started paying families to raise their daughters because of an increasing gender imbalance
More than 2 million women and young girls suffer from genital mutilation each year
Violence against women also takes the forms of child marriage, honor killings, acid burning, dowry-related violence, widow evictions, widow inheritance (forcing the widow to marry one of her husband’s relatives) and ritual cleansing, a process in which a widow is forced to have unprotected sex with a stranger hired to rid her of “evil spirits”
More than 800,000 people, most of them female, are victims of sex trafficking — taken across national borders against their wills for sexual purposes. This number does not include the substantial numbers of women and girls sold into sexual slavery within their own countries
Information was taken from “State of World Population 2005” published by the United Nations Population Fund.
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